Rewritten query

I posted my query on an agent's forum with the hope of getting some good feedback and less rejections from agents.  I got some wonderful feedback from other writers.  I did a rewrite for my query.  I would love to hear from those of you who have read the book.  Does the query make more sense, and does it show more of Bram's personality and what is driving him forward?
Thanks.
Laurie

Dear Agent,

Seventeen-year-old Bram Mathers is an expert at controlling his emotions.  He has plenty of experience; he recently lost half his family in a car wreck.   But when Bram suddenly becomes possessed by a good-natured spirit, his composure begins to show some cracks.  Bram’s problems intensify when he again is possessed, this time by a shrewd and wicked spirit. He is abruptly thrown into a chaotic world where people are prepared to betray and kill in order to gain power.

Under the pretense of going off to college, Bram moves to Portland, Oregon.  There he stays at the Alliance, a safe haven for those who are possessed by uncorrupted souls.  Bram soon learns that those possessed by more than one spirit usually become insane. However, the Alliance’s priest contrives a way to help minimize the damage inflicted on Bram’s mind by suppressing the evil spirit inside Bram.

At the Alliance, Bram trains to control his new psychic powers that accompanied his possessions.  Tragically, Bram endures two more possessions.  Though Bram’s powers are increased by the number of possessors, his already fragile mind progressively becomes unstable.  

News of Bram’s incredible abilities begins to spread among those possessed by power-hungry spirits.  The evil spirit inside of Bram takes advantage of an opportune moment and leaks information about Bram and the Alliance to these individuals.  Bram finds himself desperately clinging to what is left of his sanity while attempting to save his friends from those bent on discovering the source of his powers.

 Bram’s mind finally snaps when the girl he loves possesses him.  She is killed by men who attack the Alliance trying to find out more about Bram’s powerful abilities.  No longer able to control the erratic emotions of despair and rage flowing within him, Bram sets forth to unleash his terrible power upon his enemies and save what remains of his now beloved Alliance.  The question is can he protect them from both that which is dangerous on the outside, and that which is perilously evil within?

CALL US LEGION is a Young-Adult paranormal thriller complete at 93,000 words.  I would be happy to send you the manuscript.  Thank you for your time and consideration.